Pretty Privilege & Disability

Are they mutually exclusive?

I’m going to talk again about privilege, please, don’t hate me. I know some people don’t like when they are reminded of their privileges, for some reason. But having a privilege is not a bad thing, on the contrary. Like I said in a previous post, being born in a developed, wealthy country with public healthcare is enough of a privilege compared to what many other people have. And that’s only based on luck, no particular effort.

Some time ago, a couple of years ago maybe, I saw a post on IG from this Swedish content creator who was talking about the “pretty privilege”: she was aware of being a white, tall, blonde, young, and very beautiful woman and that all these elements work in favor for her in opening some doors and grant her more opportunities and possibilities than for someone who doesn’t look like her.

And sure, we can have lengthy discussions about the subjectivity of beauty and what beauty means to each person but, let’s be honest, there are certain standards of beauty that the majority of society agrees upon.

And yes, pretty people have it easier in many ways, not just in dating.

So I’ve been wondering, does pretty privilege exist for visibly disabled people? And I specify visibly because, in this case, you can't hide your disability which becomes intrinsically tied to how you appear, how you dress, and your eventual pretty-ness.

No matter how much more accepting people are today and all the talks about body positivity and to distance our mindsets from the standard notions of beauty, people are still very quick to judge how others look like, if they are thin or fat, if their limbs or faces are “normal” enough, etc.

A lot of visibly disabled people have been told “You are pretty, too bad you are disabled” or “You are beautiful for a disabled person” and also “Even if you are disabled, you are still pretty”. The harsh truth is that, for a lot of people, disability equals ugliness and therefore, for some, it might be disconcerting that disabled people can be be physically attractive.

One would say that a disabled people can’t be pretty, not a 100%, at least. So, how much of pretty-ness the disability takes away? 10%? 20%? Do we really need to be pretty to be worthy? Are visibly disabled people objectively less attractive?

I’m asking these questions to invite for some reflections because I know my answers and I know that it’s all bullshit and a bunch of crap but we live in a society that has… Well, standards. We can say that all of this is just bollocks but between what one says and how one acts and thinks there’s an ocean.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t say that the pretty privilege doesn’t exist for visibly disabled people. Because there are certain disabilities that are far more accepted than others and there are disabilities that make people stare far too much and goggle their eyes and think and say all kinds of unpleasant comments. I happened to be at the end of those comments too.

This discourse affects both disabled men and women but it’s easy to see how disabled women and girls are much more subjected to the standards of beauty and looks and body size and so on. All women are. I’m a woman and I can only talk from my own perspective. I guess that, when it comes to disabled men and boys, there’s the issue of masculinity or being able to provide for the family and such.

I know that, in my case, I am a very pretty girl: I have a likeable face, I am thin (the pretty privilege goes hand in hand with the thin privilege), I have long, shiny hair, I do my make-up, I dress myself, I don’t have any particular issue with clothing, I can wear what I like and what’s fashionable. If I am sitting down I can be attractive, I can pass as that pretty young woman who someone would want to flirt with. But when I stand up and start to walk and people notice my limp I wonder how that is perceived in the contest of that attraction I talked about.

Not that I care nowadays. I know that my worthiness isn’t tied to how pretty or attractive I am. I honestly don’t care. But when you are a teen this sort of thing can represent a huge difference in how you perceive yourself. While I was growing up I wasn’t totally unaffected and it impacted my sense of worthiness, my self-esteem, even the way I dressed.

Sure, confidence is the real deal but it’s not a skill that you are born with. Telling someone that they “just need to be confident” isn’t going to solve all their problems.

I don’t know if what I’m saying here makes any sense.

I just know that yes, there are disabilities that are more privileged than others, disabilities that allow you to present more attractive or to adjust your looks however you want, disabilities that allow you more control over your body.

And some do not. Some people have have facial or body differences that they can’t change, that attract attention in unpleasant ways from ableds, that can become an obstacle in job offers or dates or socializing. Because, unfortunately, our society is still very much corrupted by what our eyes see and are used to.

It’s all about working on our mindsets and challenge our culture and what we’ve been taught.

I feel that this topic isn’t discussed a lot, not even in disability spaces. Maybe we should.

Please, tell me your opinions, whether you are disabled or not or if you know someone or dated someone with a disability. I want to hear from men too because I fear that I sometimes dismiss men’s problems in this regard which are as important as anybody else’s.

Feel free to share the post.

---