Such an interesting topic. It’s vain and it’s internalised ableism but I have struggled massively with feeling less sexy and attractive since becoming physically disabled (I’m also autistic and that was a whole other journey) and especially when that disability is visible which is now most of the time (when I need to use a walking stick, wear joint supports and I will often sacrifice my own health and struggle rather than using a wheelchair even when this would help me).
Coming out as and presenting as trans masc also added to this because of fear of further losing pretty privilege and also not being able to embrace ‘a physically strong’ masculinity.
Two instances that ‘stick out’ in my mind (both when using a stick) being told by a man after I stated that I was disabled that ‘you are too hot to be disabled’ - he clearly considered these things mutually exclusive. And another whereby men in a van were catcalling me until I turned around enough that they could see my walking stick - and then suddenly they shouted ‘sorry!’ - apparently ableism trumps misogyny!!!
Thanx for the lengthy comment. Yeah, this entire topic can sound a bit vain but beauty and pretty-ness are part of our society and I like to be honest about things. Also, pretty privilege is a real thing and it's important to acknowledge what privileges we have and don't.
I wanted to mention intersectionality in this article because that also influences a lot of society's perspective on people, and I mean when disability meets transgenderness or non-whiteness (or even both) but I think this is a topic that deserves its own unique space because there's so much to say. Also, I'm just a white, cisgender woman and I honestly don't want to risk saying something incorrect about a topic that doesn't belong to me. So I'm glad you shared your experience.
I also sacrificed my health (and joints) because I didn't use mobility aids and just suffered the pain, but that was mostly because my parents never wanted me to use them and my doctors never suggested them either so I kept pushing myself despite the pain. So I totally get this.
People really think that they are giving you compliments when they say "you are too pretty for a disabled person" or "You're pretty despite your disability" but, honestly, this stuff is horrible to hear. What do they think we are supposed to feel after such statements? It's not like we can live our disabilities at home to be 100% pretty. It's like saying "you will never be pretty enough so what are you even bothering with".
It's the mindset that needs to change here.
I read some time ago an article written by a disabled women who was basically saying that she felt jealous of her able-bodied female friends complaining about the catcalling they would receive on the street and she (the disabled women) never got any kind of catcall which made her feel like she wasn't even worthy of such thing, like she wasn't perceived as a sexual and sensual person (if I remember correctly, she was in a wheelchair). She was aware that that kind of thought wasn't the healthiest thing and that being catcalled is not something one should wish for but we live in a rotten society and disability is always seen as the worst thing and disabled people are always considered lesser than. So I totally get what this woman was saying in the article.
And yes, ableism trumps misogyny. Totally.
Thank you for sharing your POV and give a gigantic fuck you to these stupid ableds :)
i'm pretty too-- and have gotten "you're so pretty, it's too bad you're disabled" from strangers when I was younger. Being pretty helped at work because men, including married men, could flirt with me while feeling no real risk since I was clearly not dating material in their minds -- so I was able to develop great mentors and great collaboration at work. I'm a wheelchair user with cp and all this works if I'm in the chair; if I transfer though, that's prime ugliness seeing my body stand and pivot. I used to get to meetings 10 minutes early if I planned to transfer so I could do that without witnesses (or at least no witnesses other than my own friendly colleagues).
My opinion-- CP is at the bottom of the pretty-to-ugly list. Deaf is at the top. Blind females can be near the top, as can SCI males.
I have RA but I don’t know where I stay on the scale, if at the top or somewhere in the middle 😅😅 as long as I’m sitting down I can be very pretty I guess. Ahaha.
I think that a lot of this discourse is tied to how much you can hide your disability or be independent. Because what drives ableds away from dating a disabled person is the idea of having to be their caregivers or something like that.
But then prettyness is tied to genetics too. Some people are just lucky and born with good looks, no matter what. But people with visible disabilities will always struggle when it comes to that, even the man with SCI who goes to the gym and has abs to kill 😅
I’m glad that this negative side brought to you some positives though. There are always 2 faces of the same coin so we should focus on that maybe.
Such an interesting topic. It’s vain and it’s internalised ableism but I have struggled massively with feeling less sexy and attractive since becoming physically disabled (I’m also autistic and that was a whole other journey) and especially when that disability is visible which is now most of the time (when I need to use a walking stick, wear joint supports and I will often sacrifice my own health and struggle rather than using a wheelchair even when this would help me).
Coming out as and presenting as trans masc also added to this because of fear of further losing pretty privilege and also not being able to embrace ‘a physically strong’ masculinity.
Two instances that ‘stick out’ in my mind (both when using a stick) being told by a man after I stated that I was disabled that ‘you are too hot to be disabled’ - he clearly considered these things mutually exclusive. And another whereby men in a van were catcalling me until I turned around enough that they could see my walking stick - and then suddenly they shouted ‘sorry!’ - apparently ableism trumps misogyny!!!
Thanx for the lengthy comment. Yeah, this entire topic can sound a bit vain but beauty and pretty-ness are part of our society and I like to be honest about things. Also, pretty privilege is a real thing and it's important to acknowledge what privileges we have and don't.
I wanted to mention intersectionality in this article because that also influences a lot of society's perspective on people, and I mean when disability meets transgenderness or non-whiteness (or even both) but I think this is a topic that deserves its own unique space because there's so much to say. Also, I'm just a white, cisgender woman and I honestly don't want to risk saying something incorrect about a topic that doesn't belong to me. So I'm glad you shared your experience.
I also sacrificed my health (and joints) because I didn't use mobility aids and just suffered the pain, but that was mostly because my parents never wanted me to use them and my doctors never suggested them either so I kept pushing myself despite the pain. So I totally get this.
People really think that they are giving you compliments when they say "you are too pretty for a disabled person" or "You're pretty despite your disability" but, honestly, this stuff is horrible to hear. What do they think we are supposed to feel after such statements? It's not like we can live our disabilities at home to be 100% pretty. It's like saying "you will never be pretty enough so what are you even bothering with".
It's the mindset that needs to change here.
I read some time ago an article written by a disabled women who was basically saying that she felt jealous of her able-bodied female friends complaining about the catcalling they would receive on the street and she (the disabled women) never got any kind of catcall which made her feel like she wasn't even worthy of such thing, like she wasn't perceived as a sexual and sensual person (if I remember correctly, she was in a wheelchair). She was aware that that kind of thought wasn't the healthiest thing and that being catcalled is not something one should wish for but we live in a rotten society and disability is always seen as the worst thing and disabled people are always considered lesser than. So I totally get what this woman was saying in the article.
And yes, ableism trumps misogyny. Totally.
Thank you for sharing your POV and give a gigantic fuck you to these stupid ableds :)
i'm pretty too-- and have gotten "you're so pretty, it's too bad you're disabled" from strangers when I was younger. Being pretty helped at work because men, including married men, could flirt with me while feeling no real risk since I was clearly not dating material in their minds -- so I was able to develop great mentors and great collaboration at work. I'm a wheelchair user with cp and all this works if I'm in the chair; if I transfer though, that's prime ugliness seeing my body stand and pivot. I used to get to meetings 10 minutes early if I planned to transfer so I could do that without witnesses (or at least no witnesses other than my own friendly colleagues).
My opinion-- CP is at the bottom of the pretty-to-ugly list. Deaf is at the top. Blind females can be near the top, as can SCI males.
I have RA but I don’t know where I stay on the scale, if at the top or somewhere in the middle 😅😅 as long as I’m sitting down I can be very pretty I guess. Ahaha.
I think that a lot of this discourse is tied to how much you can hide your disability or be independent. Because what drives ableds away from dating a disabled person is the idea of having to be their caregivers or something like that.
But then prettyness is tied to genetics too. Some people are just lucky and born with good looks, no matter what. But people with visible disabilities will always struggle when it comes to that, even the man with SCI who goes to the gym and has abs to kill 😅
I’m glad that this negative side brought to you some positives though. There are always 2 faces of the same coin so we should focus on that maybe.
Thanx for the comment ❤️