How I Became Good At Asking For Help
And why this highly competitive reality is doomed to fail.
Oh my God! It’s already 2025! Where’s the time gone? To be honest, 2024 felt like a very long year. A lot of things happened during that time, both in my personal life and in the World. To me, 2024 was a whirlwind of emotions, both good and bad things happened in my life, and I feel very much recharged now, ready to tackle this new year.
I hope you had some chance to rest and celebrate, in whatever way you deemed fit, and I wish you all the best for this 2025, that all your dreams come true, and that you never run out of spoons.
For this occasion, I want to give 20% off to whomever decides to start the new year with a paid subscription to my blog. Redeem it until the 15th of January!
We live in a highly competitive reality where capitalism is at its peak, at least in the West, where independence and selfishness became reasons behind actions, and where needing a break or, God forbid, needing outer help are frowned upon, if not considered a moral failure.
Now, discourses around mental health, resting, slowing down, and taking time for yourself are on the rise and a lot of people are starting to realize that human beings are not machines and that things are done better and faster when we work in union rather than alone.
But I fear that this trend is still too much of a niche.
People failed one another when they began to refer to humans as economic resource. I heard too many times people defending migration by saying “migrants can be an economic resource if we give them the right opportunities” and, as much as this can be true, it can’t be the sole reason. Honestly, it shouldn’t be the first reason that comes to your mind either. We can’t see humans for their economic value. This thought process happens even to the most progressive and liberal people of society.
And then, some say that disabled folks can represent an economic resource too when provided with fair and equal treatment and accessibility. Sure, yeah, but sorry, I don’t want to justify my existence by being an economic resource and bringing money to the pockets of my boss, thank you very much. What happens with those disabled folks who can’t work? What happens if the days that I can’t work because of my pain are more than the days I can work?
Yeah…
In this competitive dynamic where productivity is highly regarded, there’s no space for rest, and needing help or seeking help is considered almost a moral failure. They teach us to be independent, to think for ourselves, to avoid those who ask much because then they’ll always come back asking for more (there’s a saying in Italy that translates as “you offer a finger, they take the whole hand”). The concept of the self-made man is old and dead.
When you’re disabled, you learn that help is unavoidable. And it is unavoidable for able-bodied people too. Some folks just have a harder time admitting it. I was one of them too. It was easy to accept help from my mom or my family, but from strangers it was a totally different thing. Even when someone on a bus would offer me their seat, it would make me too self-conscious. When someone would offer me their help to do something, I would refuse even though I would have benefited from that help. My brain would panic, and it would bring me thoughts of self-loath, thinking that people were judging me as “that poor disabled girl who needs my help”. I thought people were pitying me. Which wasn’t true at all. I mean, some people might think that, but who cares? It’s them who are wrong.
Needing help is not a bad thing, it’s not a moral failure. It’s part of being human.
So how did I get over the feeling of awkwardness for asking and receiving help? Well, there’s no magic recipe. It’s just living this life long enough and maturing enough to understand that whoever deems themselves superior to someone else because they make everything on their own and never need to ask for help or even just a little favor is highly wrong and is putting themselves on a path of utter delusion and disappointment. Because everyone comes to that point. It doesn’t have to be because of a disability or illness. It can be because of money, mental health, business, whatever…
It took me some time. Some people understand it quickly, some need more time. It’s all about deconstructing the unhealthy principles and beliefs we’ve been fed since we were in our cribs, from generation to generation. Our dads and grandads might love to brag about how they did it all on their own, how they were too proud and stubborn to ask for help even when they hit the rock bottom, but they’ve never dealt with the trauma that situation brought them. They’ve just repeated the same toxic behavior their parents had before them.
Also, as human beings, we are tightly interconnected. We go to the market to buy vegetables but in order for us to buy vegetables someone needs to put them there and someone else needs to carry them and someone else needs to plant and grow them, etc.
Why can’t the same thing be seen for disabled people? Some people need help — or assistance, if you prefer — with going around, with studying, with forming words, with drinking or bathing.
It’s about time we all get off of the ship of shame regarding these concepts. I know that it’s not easy, I’m still deconstructing a lot. But the disabled community is helping me a huge deal. I’ll always be immensely thankful to this community.
Another thing is, accepting your disability and/or illness. For many years, I tried to avoid my disability, to downplay it. As if it wasn’t a part of me. But as soon as I started to accept it, to even appreciate some parts of it, everything became easier. It also became easier confronting people, staying in a crowd, entering a room. It also made me less anxious. I’m even upfront about it, I tell people that I’m a disability advocate, and when I need help I say that I have a physical disability and might struggle to do certain things. I did it in New York and I did it when I went for a pedicure last week. People are far more accepting and cool than we give them credit for. And sure, you will also meet jerks and bigots, but it’s better to find them early. You don’t want to be around them anyway.
It’s a process. But it’s liberating. Believe me.
And you? Do you have any experience you want to share? Does asking for help come easy to you? Whether you’re good at it or are still fighting with accepting your disability, I’m proud of you.
I’m proud of all of you.
Happy new year.
